There. I said it. It's embarrassing to admit. I like to come across as confident, secure, cool. I'm not. In fact, this blog has been a way for me to pretend that the experience of ending a serious relationship in which I gave everything I had, and embarking on the dating world has been fun. In reality, in this past year my heart has been broken up like so many pieces of a puzzle: carelessly used over and over so that I'm not even sure all the pieces are still in the box.
In college, I was surrounded by people with similar life situations as me. Now, all my friends in San Diego (and most of my friends throughout the world) are married, having children, and building families. They are in a completely different stage of life.
Hardly anyone seems to be be single anymore.
The realization that I'm left behind triggers an emotional and physical response in me. I feel sick over it. I'm panicked even. As I lurk through profile after profile (because no one has single freinds who are any good anymore...or maybe I'm the single friend that isn't any good?), I'm coming to the realization that I'm reaching an experation date. Men my age want to date women my age or younger. Men older than me want to date women my age or younger. I come across men in their 50s whose age limit for the opposite sex is 30. Holy shit.
I feel myself creeping toward the age when being single, never married, is just sad. That age where people grimace behind your back, and thank their lucky stars it's not them who is alone. That age where no one wants you because you're past your prime. "That's a little late to be starting a family," they say. Starting a family is one of my heart's greatest desires. I want it so badly. I'm afraid that it won't happen for me.
It all makes me wonder: What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? What do I need to change? As I look inside myself, truly look at who I am, I have no idea. That helpless, desperate feeling resonates more and more with me each time a date doesn't go well, each time my hopes are dashed.
People say you have to just let things happen naturally, and when you least expect it, BAM!, it just happens. People say things like don't worry because my time will come, they will pray for me, I'm a great girl, and that I just need to be patient. The sense of panic I feel though prevents me from not being proactive. I need someone to love, and I need someone to love me back. My heart has a deep capacity for love, and I just feel incomplete without someone to share my life with.
As I look back at this post, I realize it's sounding pretty dramatic and pathetic. I swear, it's not "that time of the month." I'm sure it's uncomfortable and depressing to read. What do you even say to something like this? How annoying of me. Seriously, I'm sorry if you read this...but maybe you've been here too? I'm not looking for compliments, or even for comments. Everyday the people who surround me encourage me and build me up. I love and appreciate them for that, but still I feel unfulfilled.
Hoping for the future and being optimistic is so intangible. I remember that in college someone said I should rely on Jesus, put my hope and fears in Him. When I heard that all I could think was that although Jesus loves me, he wasn't going to hold me, touch me, give me presents on my birthday or buy me dinner. I need those things too.
These thoughts and fears I've written about are not a passing thing for me. They're with me often, in the back of my head poking at my consciousness, making me feel like a failure, making me feel alone.
So, yeah. Blah. I hate being single.
::Awkward Silence::
Don't despair!! You're definitely not the only one who feels this way! It's a "couples world," and that's really hard when you're single. All you notice is all the happy couples and all the things you're missing out on. It definitely is a lonely feeling -- trust me!! I read a quote one time that made me feel better: "Somewhere out there, the perfect guy is sitting around wondering when he's going to meet a girl like you." That doesn't make it easier to be single, but at least it makes me feel a little bit hopeful sometimes (honestly, though, a lot of the time, I just feel the same way you do!!). Hang in there!! Surely our Mr. Wonderful's must be right around the bend (I like the song "Wrong Again," by Martina McBride - you'd probably like that, too. Also "San Angelo," by Aaron Watson -- it's kind of like the song "Sometimes I Thank God for Unanswered Prayers" -- but it's even better! Also Taylor Swift's new song, "Begin Again." I know, a song isn't the solution to loneliness -- but those songs always make me feel better!). You seem like a great, fun person, and I'm sure God has the perfect guy in mind for you! If only His timing was the same as ours, right?!? I have trouble with patience!!!!
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