Beautiful Princess

One weekend I was bored in Irvine with nothing to do. It's so easy to get a date on these dating sites, so I decided I'd see if I could find someone to hang out with. The first guy I came across seemed cool. He said he was an engineer, my age, and listed a bunch of fun things that he liked to do. We started IM-ing back and forth and we decided to meet at the Irvine Spectrum to walk around my with parents' dog Brutus. This is Brutus below. Isn't he adorable?



Anyways, the IM conversation was a bit weird because he never used complete sentences and I didn't always understand what he was saying. I figured he was just busy and typing quickly, but I was wrong.

When I got there I found out that the guy barely spoke English. These were the phrases he could say:

"Yes, yes."
"BEAUTIFUL princess"
"Home Depot"
"Good dog"
"Phone number?"

This is how our conversation went (imagine an Indian or Middle Eastern accent.  I don't know which for sure):

Me: Hi! It's so nice to meet you!
Him: Yes, yes! Beautiful princess!
Me: Oh, thanks so much. So, how was your day?
Him: Yes, yes.
Me: No...how was your day, what'd you do at work?
Him: Home depot.
Me: Wait, you work at Home Depot? I thought you were an Engineer.
Him: Yes, yes. Home Depot.
Me: You're an engineer for Home Depot, or you work at Home Depot?
Him: Yes...You're BEAUTIFUL princess!
Me: Thanks...

At this point the language barrier was making things pretty awkward, so we focused our attention on the dog and walked around. He would pat the dog every once in a while and say "Good dog, yes." All the while I was realizing that things were not going to work out between us. I gave one last attempt at conversation:

Me: So, where'd you go to college?
Him: Yes.

Ok, things obviously were going nowhere. I had to think of a way to escape this disaster date.

Me: OK, I think the dog is tired and I should take him home.
Him: Yes, yes. Good dog.
Me: No, the dog is...forget it. I'm going home. Bye!
Him: Yes, yes, beautiful princess...Phone number?
Me: No, I don't give out my phone number.
Him: Yes.
Me: No.
Him: You beautiful, BEAUTIFUL princess.
Me: Ok.

Then I just walked away. Or, I tried to walk away but he walked with me. I got to my car, and we did the awkward hug thing. He asked one more time for my phone number and I refused. The total date time was only 20 minutes. Shortest date ever!